If I Win the Lottery

I have plans. I've been working on it for years so I should probably buy tickets more often than like once a year. The very first thing I'm going to do is get the best defense lawyer money can buy. I'm gonna need that after I do my Walmart work. It's not illegal to have ideas yet, is it? I'll only say that it involves super soakers and Christmas Eve. And a film crew. And a defense lawyer.

I also wanna procure every free piano listed on freecycle.org and craigslist and install them all over the yard like a flock of pink flamingos. There might be a zoning ordinance so again, I'll need that lawyer, if not for that then for the evening when I hire 40 pianists to come play all those out of tune mofos. How I lust for the red one (see pic- that really IS on craig's right now).

There's more, but I'm not awake enough to remember them all. Can you buy localized global warming? Cuz I want some of that too.

WIN!

Sorry kids, it's not a contest (haven't come up with a new one yet). But look at the email I just got:

Dear [My real name]:

Thank you for relaying your concerns regarding the Welsh corgi puppy that may have an upper respiratory infection. By copy of this e-mail I am requesting that the animal health inspector responsible for [my] County perform a special inspection of the [Really Bad Pet Store] in [Irresponsible] Mall to check the health of the animals, particularly the Welsh corgi puppy.

[This person's real name]

Program Manager Pet Dealer Licensing Division of Animal Industry

NYS Department of Agriculture and Markets*

So YAY! That's Round 1, but I still have a lot more to do to put a complete stop to them selling mill puppies. A journey of 1,000 steps and whatnot, ya know...

*(brackets and bolding mine)