Ask the Angry Gardener

Elaine asks,

AG: My question is: If I bought a vine at Home Depot on a whim 2 years ago, it spent the last couple years in a crappy plastic pot & somehow survived (which makes me respect it), I finally planted it in my front yard only to then google it & find it is an invasive species, is it wrong for me to be secretly delighted & not rip it out by its roots & toss it in my green bin? Thanks.

Elaine's house

Dear Elaine,

I'm not sure I even know where to start.  First of all, I'd like to know what the vine is.  After all, we do live in the INFORMATION AGE.  Secondly, you said, "bin," not "garbage can."  So... are you in the UK?  Do they even have Home Depot there or are you just trying to destroy my blood pressure for sport?  Thirdly, what google source describes your vine as invasive?  

Since I don't have the above information, we have to turn this into a boring lesson about the definition of "invasive" as pertains to plants.  It's about as specific as the definition of "weed" or "native species".  Why must you fuck with me on today of all days?  Now I have to google on behalf of your ignorant-big-box-shopping ass.  Hold on.  Let me look.

Okay, here:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Invasive_species.  I did the work, now you do the reading.

Sincerely,

The Angry Gardener

PS:  What do you mean "if" you bought a vine.  Did you or didn't you?  I want answers, Elaine.

Ask the Angry Gardener

Here we go again...

Dear Angry Gardener,
How did you start composting?
Do you poo in a bucket to contribute to the compost like Ed Begley Jr does?
Does Monster?

Thanks,
Karen

Dear Karen,

If you wanna shit on your banana tree, that's your business.  Do let us know how it turns out.  We just take our vegetable and garden scraps and put them in a pile in the woods.  Once in a while we give it a turn with a pitch fork to move things along.  I'd mail you some Monster shit, but I think that's illegal and not nearly as nice as mangoes.

Sincerely,

The Angry Gardener

PS:  Thank you for another awesome banana video.

Ask the Angry Gardener

It seems while I've been busy weeding, taking pictures, making bouquets and generally minding my own business, my mail box has filled up.  With idiots.

Let's start with this one:

Dear Angry Gardener,  

You call THAT, "dressing it up??" Where the hell are the gnomes...or even a friggin' bird bath?? You really do need my input!
Sincerely,
SID LYON

This same "SID" also had this to say:

SID said...

I think you're angry because you have not used any lawn decorations that might cheer you up and make you smile. Your garden is very boring due to the lack of them. Take a tip from me...DRESS IT UP!!

 

Apparently SID thinks he or she should be the one dispensing advice around here.  The only problem with that, of course, is that this is my blog and my non-fucking-tacky-ass garden.  Nonetheless, we can't leave the trolls to just starve, can we?  That would be cruel.  Besides, I like to think I can be open-minded.  I can be, but that implies that I might be wrong about something.  And I'm not.  

 

Here you go, SID.  I got flocked by the American Cancer Society- a perfect opportunity to try your shitty ideas.

I tried to embrace the opportunity.

Feeding time with the native bird population.

Migratory formation.

But the locals got annoyed.

So I marched them into the woods.

The way was hot and humid, fraught with malaria.

Menacing little fuckers.

Even Monster turned up his nose at them.  Out they go.

I hope that answers your "question," SID.

PS:  This SID is not the same as this one:

Sid said... 

Hey,chill out,angry one !!!! 

Dear Not-All-Caps Sid,

You'd be angry too if you had to humor plastic lovers. 

PS:  Both the Angry Gardener and The Mister support The American Cancer Society and we absolutely loved getting "flocked".  Google "flocking" + your area to see if you can go flock yourself.  

 

PSS:  Please forgive horrid formatting.  Angry Gardener is angry with Blogger's formatting stuff. 

 

This message has been brought to you by The Angry Gardener.

Ask the Angry Gardener

Anonymous asks,

I have been attempting to restructure a tropical tree so it will tolerate colder weather. I've used colchicine to produce a diploid, root grafted it to an similar tree (mimosa) that tolerates zone 8 easily and is almost a weed. Tried different rooting hormones as well as some advanced chemical treatments. While I have had some success over these last four years, they will go through a winter that gets down to 12 degrees, loose all their leaves and small branches, but return in the spring, is there a short answer as how a DELONIX regia "Royal Poinciana", "Flamboyant" or fire tree can be made to tolerate zone eight a and winters whit days of 10 degrees F ? I lived for years in La Paz Mexico, on the southern tip of Baja and grew to love these trees. Now I am in East Texas and I want to fill my yard with them. I gave several hundred preserved seeds and can start them with near 100% success. John M. Cook, Ph.D. Behavioral scientist cojon at suddenlink-dot-net

Dear Dr. Cook,

How the hell should I know?  I am a gardener, not a freakin' horticulturalist.  Awesome question, whatever it means, and best wishes in all of your science-y endeavors. 

Sincerely,

The Angry Gardener

PS:  Perhaps this would help.

Ask the Angry Gardener

Rage Guy said...
Dear Angry Gardener:

Y U So Angry???  Also, can you recommend a good way to control rabbits in the garden?  Especially the extra cute ones, they seem to do the most damage.

Dear Rage Guy,

Don't try to bait me.

Sincerely,
The Angry Gardener 

Ask the Angry Gardener

Alright.  No one asked me a fucking thing today.  I love answering [your] questions but since no one asked, I have made my own damn question. 

Dear Angry Gardener,

I have many lovely plants but they just don't seem to bloom profusely.  I have tried coffee grounds, compost tea and Flower-Tone, all to no avail.  What do you suggest?

Sincerely,
Fiona Abernathy Kensington, Esquire

Dear FAKE,

I appreciate your predicament even though I don't share the problem and never have.  Here is an example:

These flowers, as viewed from my kitchen window this morning, seem, at first glance, to be poor performers.  I don't tolerate that shit, especially before I've had my coffee.  I have a simple solution.  I raise the window and shriek at them, "WAKE THE FUCK UP YOU USELESS SHITS!"  

Works every time.  Save your compost tea for annoying co- workers and ex- lovers.

Sincerely,

The Angry Gardener

PS:  You sound like a pansy ass.  Stay in the greenhouse where it's safe.

Ask the Angry Gardener

Karen has another question (please read entire post before clicking on the video):

-karen. said...
why'd you put 'em next to your sex toys?

She is referring to the flowers in this picture.  Where to begin...

Dear Karen,

The objects in the picture are not, in fact, "sex toys".  They are, from left to right, electrical thingies, a Galileo thermometer, and a Wittnauer Humi-Therm.  Now I am no Dan Savage, but it sounds to me like you haven't been given "the talk".  

*Heavy non-sexual sigh*

I guess someone's got to do it.  Karen, if you insert the electrical thingies into any human orifice, they are liable to get lost.  That would result in a very embarassing extraction at your local ER.  As for the Wittnauer, anyone who can even imagine no less implement it as a sex toy is far more creative than I am or maybe just really into accuracy (it measures temperature and, ahem, humidity).

This brings us to the Galileo thermometer.  I suppose  I can imagine how you'd think it might be, shall we say, something else.  It is not, however, intended for that purpose.  I refer you to the above video.  If this is how it behaves in a microwave, well, I think you can draw your own conclusions.  I hope this has been a help to you.

Sincerely, 
The Angry Gardener

PS:  Is it just me or does it seem like Karen is going out of her way to incite my rage?! 
PSS:  We keep our sex toys in the oven drawer like everyone else, silly.

Ask the Angry Gardener

Oh goody, another victim advice seeker!

 

MizFannie™ said... 

Dear Angry Gardener,

Is it true that Irish Spring Soap attracts Leprechauns?

 

Dear MizFannie,

You know as well as I do that leprechauns don't bathe.  Now stop wasting my time.  You don't want to be a Becky, do you?  I didn't think so.

Sincerely,

The Angry Gardener

 

 

Ask the Angry Gardener

This is a comment from one of the posts here: 

-karen. said...
Dear Angry Gardner,
We live in FL and have a deck that gets a ton o'sun until about 2pm.
What plants/flowers would you prescribe for slackers who forget to water & will more than likely depend on the rain to do it for them.
Its so boring/ghetto looking out there right now. Needs some life/color.

Feel free to tell me to fuck off and ask a local gardner/green thumb.
Or to stop using /.
But not both.
That would be unreasonable.

I think I like this idea- an advice column!  Now to give the advice...  

Dear Karen,

First off, you should know that misspelling upsets the Angry GardENer almost as much as people calling daylilies tiger lilies (see here).

Secondly, we are in growing zone 5a here.  You are probably in zone 400 or so, meaning that you can grow all sorts of tropical shit that I can only hope to visit in fancy botanical gardens up here.  Therefore, it only makes sense to me that you should grow BANANAS!  Man, I would be so jealous (see video below).  However, I'm too lazy to research banana growing and so have no way of knowing if your conditions would suit it.

Here is my Real Advice:  It sounds like you don't use your deck much because it looks ghetto and/ or is too fucking hot to enjoy in comfort.  If that's the case, it makes no sense to put real plants out there to be forgotten and neglected.  Even if you get enough rain no one will look at them or love them or pay attention to them and that's just sad.  Use fake plants or something else entirely.

Nonetheless, it is completely against my nature to recommend that someone NOT garden.  I just can't do it.  So here is my Other Advice:  Go to local nurseries and browse (and do use before you go).   It's very soothing and peaceful and sometimes you get to see some amazing shit, like this:

Sooner or later you will fall in love.  There is a crushy plant love that fades rather quickly, and then there is true plant love.  (Mine was zantedeschia aethiopica.)  When you find your true love, you will do anything and everything to not only acquire it but to make it thrive and grow.  This first love will start you on your way, your quest.  Your passion will drive you to find your own fucking plant answers. 

Sincerely,

The Angry Gardener

PS:  This game is fun!  If anyone else would like advice, feel free to leave your questions anywhere in comments.