Sunday, September 20, 2009

"Pet Services" on Today's Craigslist

Dead Animal/Pet Removal (albany, serving capital region)

Date: 2009-09-19, 5:22AM EDT

Playing find that smell? Fido shuffle himself off and you need him gone before the kids get home from school?
If you have a dead animal and you need it hauled, I'm the guy to do it for you. You MUST have at least a very good idea of where the thing is. No living animals, although I will take your pet for a fee. I'm not a freaking Native American dead animal shaman. I'm not telepathically linked to the god damned animal corpses, I'm just a bargain removal. I'll act on your instructions post-removal but if you want it buried in a cemetery that's way extra. For a small added extra fee you can blame the animals demise on me. Pictures and a believable story will be provided.

Compensation must be payed immediately before the animal is removed, with a negotiable fee agreed upon before hand. I'm not pulling post-mortem fluffy out of your central air duct just to have you stiff me. I swear to god I'm going to beat the next person that tries to stiff me with their dead animal. Guaranteed to be cheaper than the legitimate businesses. I'll beat any quote. It better be real because I'm cheap and I'll check.

Reply to this post for Biff's Bloated Body Brigade or the BBBB (Better Business Bureau lawyers were up my butt so I had to add the bloated, sorry to be graphic) with your problem and we'll agree on a fee. No humans, or anything that resembles one. No horses. I wouldn't even know what do with a horse if I had the means of moving it. Although I will pay you to beat the dead horse, if you have one, just to say I did. In fact nothing I can't cram into my Chevy Corsica. I follow all state local county and federal laws, or at least pretend to until I'm out of your line of sight.

Contact Biff for passable service.

P.S. I'll also walk your dog or house sit or babysit your kid if their over 18. Or really any job that isn't too humiliating and/or pays well enough. If you want me to stop advertising dead animal removal give me a real job.

I promise not to say anything while I'm removing the animal, or afterward. It'll be like it never happened.

1 comment:

the engineer said...

Funny as Hell!!!!!! Can't stop laughing. This is an awesome post.