Ask the Angry Gardener

Alright.  No one asked me a fucking thing today.  I love answering [your] questions but since no one asked, I have made my own damn question. 

Dear Angry Gardener,

I have many lovely plants but they just don't seem to bloom profusely.  I have tried coffee grounds, compost tea and Flower-Tone, all to no avail.  What do you suggest?

Sincerely,
Fiona Abernathy Kensington, Esquire

Dear FAKE,

I appreciate your predicament even though I don't share the problem and never have.  Here is an example:

These flowers, as viewed from my kitchen window this morning, seem, at first glance, to be poor performers.  I don't tolerate that shit, especially before I've had my coffee.  I have a simple solution.  I raise the window and shriek at them, "WAKE THE FUCK UP YOU USELESS SHITS!"  

Works every time.  Save your compost tea for annoying co- workers and ex- lovers.

Sincerely,

The Angry Gardener

PS:  You sound like a pansy ass.  Stay in the greenhouse where it's safe.