Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Ask the Angry Gardener

This is a comment from one of the posts here: 

-karen. said...
Dear Angry Gardner,
We live in FL and have a deck that gets a ton o'sun until about 2pm.
What plants/flowers would you prescribe for slackers who forget to water & will more than likely depend on the rain to do it for them.
Its so boring/ghetto looking out there right now. Needs some life/color.

Feel free to tell me to fuck off and ask a local gardner/green thumb.
Or to stop using /.
But not both.
That would be unreasonable.

I think I like this idea- an advice column!  Now to give the advice...  

Dear Karen,

First off, you should know that misspelling upsets the Angry GardENer almost as much as people calling daylilies tiger lilies (see here).

Secondly, we are in growing zone 5a here.  You are probably in zone 400 or so, meaning that you can grow all sorts of tropical shit that I can only hope to visit in fancy botanical gardens up here.  Therefore, it only makes sense to me that you should grow BANANAS!  Man, I would be so jealous (see video below).  However, I'm too lazy to research banana growing and so have no way of knowing if your conditions would suit it.

Here is my Real Advice:  It sounds like you don't use your deck much because it looks ghetto and/ or is too fucking hot to enjoy in comfort.  If that's the case, it makes no sense to put real plants out there to be forgotten and neglected.  Even if you get enough rain no one will look at them or love them or pay attention to them and that's just sad.  Use fake plants or something else entirely.

Nonetheless, it is completely against my nature to recommend that someone NOT garden.  I just can't do it.  So here is my Other Advice:  Go to local nurseries and browse (and do use before you go).   It's very soothing and peaceful and sometimes you get to see some amazing shit, like this:

Sooner or later you will fall in love.  There is a crushy plant love that fades rather quickly, and then there is true plant love.  (Mine was zantedeschia aethiopica.)  When you find your true love, you will do anything and everything to not only acquire it but to make it thrive and grow.  This first love will start you on your way, your quest.  Your passion will drive you to find your own fucking plant answers. 

The Angry Gardener

PS:  This game is fun!  If anyone else would like advice, feel free to leave your questions anywhere in comments. 


-karen. said...

Dear Angry GardENer,
My apologies for the typo.
I should've paid as much attention to that post as was done on the clever haikus.
We already have bananas growing....
Thanks for nothin', I guess.

OOOOO except now I want to build big boxes for the deck to grow citrus trees in so you can be even MORE jelly.

This game is FUN!! :)
Thanks for the ideas.

Broken Barn Industries said...

Oh good. You can mail me oranges in the winter. Oranges sooth the Angry Gardener.

5 Wicked Wiccans said...

Grow some palm trees!

MizFannie™ said...

Grow some Key Lime too!

-karen. said...

have palms. need oranges and key limes.
BB - your request has been noted.

Ink said...

-karen!!! I vote that you should grow...


MizFannie™ said...

Ohhhh Yesssssssss! Pineapples for sure!

Rage Guy said...

Dear Angry Gardener:

Y U So Angry???

Also, can you recommend a good way to control rabbits in the garden? Especially the extra cute ones, they seem to do the most damage.

Mappy said...

Why the fuck should I bother gardening anyway? MallWart has some really nice plastic flowers.

Red Blogger said...

Dear Angry Gardener
I don't really do gardening much but we have a patch of yellow grass near our fence. I know this is due to the dog pissing along the fence and I know I have 2 options but thought I'd ask which one you would go for - do I paint the rest of the grass yellow to match the patch, or do I just shoot the dog !

Anonymous said...

I have been attempting to restructure a tropical tree so it will tolerate colder weather. I've used colchicine to produce a diploid, root grafted it to an similar tree (mimosa) that tolerates zone 8 easily and is almost a weed. Tried different rooting hormones as well as some advanced chemical treatments. While I have had some success over these last four years, they will go through a winter that gets down to 12 degrees, loose all their leaves and small branches, but return in the spring, is there a short answer as how a DELONIX regia "Royal Poinciana", "Flamboyant" or fire tree can be made to tolerate zone eight a and winters whit days of 10 degrees F ?

I lived for years in La Paz Mexico, on the southern tip of Baja and grew to love these trees. Now I am in East Texas and I want to fill my yard with them. I gave several hundred preserved seeds and can start them with near 100% success.

John M. Cook, Ph.D.
Behavioral scientist
cojon at suddenlink-dot-net

SID said...

Dear Angry Gardener,
I think you're angry because you have not used any lawn decorations that might cheer you up and make you smile. Your garden is very boring due to the lack of them. Take a tip from me...DRESS IT UP!!


-karen. said...

Dear Angry Gardener,
How did you start composting?
Do you poo in a bucket to contribute to the compost like Ed Begley Jr does?
Does Monster?


Elaine said...

AG: My question is: If I bought a vine at Home Depot on a whim 2 years ago, it spent the last couple years in a crappy plastic pot & somehow survived (which makes me respect it), I finally planted it in my front yard only to then google it & find it is an invasive species, is it wrong for me to be secretly delighted & not rip it out by its roots & toss it in my green bin? Thanks.

Aunt Cookie said...

So I use this feature on-line called "stumbled upon.com" which basically lets me plug in an interest and then it "stumbles" endless websites and such that have to do with my topic of interest. My favorite stress reliever is to "stumble" the category "bizzarre/oddities" where I absorb endless "bizarre" information and other things that make me say WHAT?! HOW?! and the like. (I'm sure if you think hard you'll remember one Metroland personals ad that caused the same reaction!)
So, you're wondering....what's the point here? Well, I thought you would be happy to know that while "stumbling" the other evening....your website/blog came up.
Happy to see you doing what you love!

the engineer said...

Go Bruins!!!!!!!