We dug these elderberry plants from the barn field. I want some growing close to my bird feeder. Clearly, the elderberries are not happy about being moved around. The ones in the ground are mine. I also potted some up for the Master Gardener that I met. She's an older lady and British to boot. The accent makes her seem even smarter than she already is. Kind of intimidating, frankly.
MG can't come get the plants right away so she asked me to just pot them up for her. I emailed her back and said that I would but that they're looking awfully pouty. (That was my best behavior way of saying these plants look like shit.) She writes back: "Talk to them in an encouraging tone of voice!" Ummmm, okay. Now mind you, I'm not opposed to talking to plants. I'm just not one for long conversations or anything. It's more like a quick, "Lookin' good, baby!" as I pass by. And I only say that if they are indeed looking good. I'm not out there coddling them and cooing, "Oh please don't die, I love you so!"
Nonetheless, if MG gives this piece of advice, it seems wise to take it. I've seen her garden. Obviously she knows what she's doing. I tried. I walked over to the pot and took a deep breath. I looked down at the plant and this is what came out: "Shape UP! Don't you fucking embarrass me! I did all this work to save your ass so you could go live in a stunning BRITISH garden. What the hell is she going to think when she sees you?!"
That is what actually came out of my mouth when I looked at the plant. Can you blame me? Look at the fucking thing. All I can think is that MG is going to take one look at this plant and know that not only am I a rank amateur but I must also be a complete imbecile. She'll think that I've been watering it with used motor oil. She'll gossip and titter about me with the other garden club members and they'll say things like, "Do we REALLY want her sort involved?" And then they'll laugh at me.
I'd say I'll try to do better. I'll go out there right now in the pouring rain and apologize profusely and say something lovely like, "Oh dear Little Elderberry, I know you're having such a hard time, and really, it's all my fault! Not only did I dig you up when you were completely content in the barn field, but I used that awful tone of voice and I'm truly so very sorry. Please do buck up! You can do it, and soon enough you'll be in MG's very capable hands and you'll be so very happy! You've just got to hold on till she gets here!" And so on. You get the idea. I get the idea. But really. "An encouraging tone of voice?" Fuck that. Bitch has got to earn it. And I gotta be me.
MG can't come get the plants right away so she asked me to just pot them up for her. I emailed her back and said that I would but that they're looking awfully pouty. (That was my best behavior way of saying these plants look like shit.) She writes back: "Talk to them in an encouraging tone of voice!" Ummmm, okay. Now mind you, I'm not opposed to talking to plants. I'm just not one for long conversations or anything. It's more like a quick, "Lookin' good, baby!" as I pass by. And I only say that if they are indeed looking good. I'm not out there coddling them and cooing, "Oh please don't die, I love you so!"
Nonetheless, if MG gives this piece of advice, it seems wise to take it. I've seen her garden. Obviously she knows what she's doing. I tried. I walked over to the pot and took a deep breath. I looked down at the plant and this is what came out: "Shape UP! Don't you fucking embarrass me! I did all this work to save your ass so you could go live in a stunning BRITISH garden. What the hell is she going to think when she sees you?!"
That is what actually came out of my mouth when I looked at the plant. Can you blame me? Look at the fucking thing. All I can think is that MG is going to take one look at this plant and know that not only am I a rank amateur but I must also be a complete imbecile. She'll think that I've been watering it with used motor oil. She'll gossip and titter about me with the other garden club members and they'll say things like, "Do we REALLY want her sort involved?" And then they'll laugh at me.
I'd say I'll try to do better. I'll go out there right now in the pouring rain and apologize profusely and say something lovely like, "Oh dear Little Elderberry, I know you're having such a hard time, and really, it's all my fault! Not only did I dig you up when you were completely content in the barn field, but I used that awful tone of voice and I'm truly so very sorry. Please do buck up! You can do it, and soon enough you'll be in MG's very capable hands and you'll be so very happy! You've just got to hold on till she gets here!" And so on. You get the idea. I get the idea. But really. "An encouraging tone of voice?" Fuck that. Bitch has got to earn it. And I gotta be me.
This message has been brought to you by The Angry Gardener.
No comments:
Post a Comment