Friday, February 15, 2008

Review: Last Night's "Lost"

Okay, I actually took notes this time to see if I could make more sense of things, and I think I've figured out everything, just like I did with Britney. I should run a country or something (namely Cuba).

First of all, I call bullshit on the following:
  1. That baby should have malaria by now or at least be full of bug bite scabs. Or did they find Ben's secret DEET factory?
  2. Ben appears to be accessing Crest White Strips.
  3. I KNEW IT. I looked up "Sayid" the "Iraqi" on imbd. He's Indian. This to me is roughly the equivalent of Mickey Rooney playing a Chinese guy in "Breakfast at Tiffany's". Also, he meditates or prays or something over Scary Spice's body- that stereotype that brown people are more mystical or some shit.
  4. The bras. If there are bras out there that hold up this well under these conditions, I want them.
  5. Naomi's body: Still no maggots crawling out of her nose and mouth in spite of the tropical climate. The shoulda burned that by now. Of course, if Sayid would only come out as an Indian, he'd be able to tell them that. But no. Must carry on orders to be a fake Iraqi.

Anyway, here's what I figured out, and in no particular order since time doesn't play linear on this show anyway- pay attention cuz I am so close to having the whole thing figured out:

Kate is actually Jessica Biel, that chick from "7th Heaven": Any episode now the sullen Christian teenager in her is gonna surface. Kate and Yoshi (the Asian guy) and Sayid THE INDIAN go bust up some place. That place is the set of "To Kill A Mockingbird". Think that sounds ridiculous? Think again. Weathered picket fences all over the place. The only thing that's missing is Boo Radley. My theory is that Ben is Boo and will turn out to be a good guy, perhaps the only good guy. Also, when they raid that set, they find Hugo trapped in a metal cabinet. Clearly, he is the Truman Capote/ Dill character. Now do you see the clear parallels? (I also call bullshit on a guy that fat not suffocating in a wardrobe that small, but then again, it could be one like in Narnia, in which case, expect some snow and a lion on an upcoming episode).

Back to Kate: she has a go of it with Sawyer that results in some soaring music- cuz sex is just that good when no one's bathed for a long time. Note Sawyer's name. He was supposed to be on the set of "Tom Sawyer" but got confused and ended up with Scout and Jem on the island. Years too late.

Another truly "lost" character: Kris Krisofferson's character from "Convoy"- Rubber Duck- surfaces here as the helicopter pilot and gets bitched out by Irish Jesus. You know which characters I mean. I'm not naming names.

A Big Clue: That African mask hanging in Ben's house? It was actually a Dust Buster. Mark my words.

What you should expect soon (aside from hints above): Madonna as a recurring guest star. She never misses out on stuff like this. Kris Kristofferson, aka Rubber Duck, finds his lost big rig. Hawkeye will be asleep at the wheel with an empty bottle of white lightning (see below).

How this episode ends: With old footage from M*A*S*H edited in to make it look like Sayid gets to leave.

Highlight of the show: Reference to the Red Sox winning the Series. Go Sox!!!

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